


Toccata

by swaps55



Series: Opus - The Multiverse [6]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I really wanted to put Shepard on a horse, Injury, Injury Recovery, M/M, Post-War, Shepard lives and gets a happy ending with Kaidan, equine therapy, like they both deserved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24113986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swaps55/pseuds/swaps55
Summary: Post-war, Shepard's not sure what he keeps trying to escape from. But maybe it's not the getting away that's important. Maybe it's having someone to come home to.There was a time when Shepard would have scoffed at the idea that an abrupt arboreal halt could slow him down, but that was back when his bones were made of something more akin to rubber bands and he’d had the benefit of combat armor to soften a blow.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Series: Opus - The Multiverse [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006281
Comments: 20
Kudos: 94





	Toccata

_Even the darkness has arms_  
_But they ain't got you_  
_Baby, I have it_  
_And I have you, too_

[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/6W49z468BT75GsO2tCcBtq?si=uJ-HyL7ZT0KnAV6iV69_4Q)

**Toccata**

Shepard doesn’t see the deer spring up from the brush on the side of the trail, but the horse does. Maybe if he’d been sitting on Bravo, who rides more like the Mako drives, it would have gone better. But it’s Echo he’d been sitting on when he’d galloped towards the fence line and sailed her right over it.

Echo’s good for getting away from things. That’s why they make such a good team. Sometimes, even after all this time, Shepard just needs to get away.

But she’s better at it.

She shies sideways. For half a second he thinks he might stay with her this time, but his foot is already out of the stirrup and there’s no saving it. Mrs. Alenko is right. The hothead mare is quicker than he’ll ever be. 

He manages one loud _“Fuck!”_ before sailing into a tree. There’s a crunch that can’t be a good thing, and when he comes to rest and rolls over on his back there’s no breath in his lungs. He can’t coax any back in.

There was a time when Shepard would have scoffed at the idea that an abrupt arboreal halt could slow him down, but that was back when his bones were made of something more akin to rubber bands and he’d had the benefit of combat armor to soften a blow.

He lays still for a moment, fingers clawing the weeds as he tries in vain to gulp in some air. Eventually he manages a wheeze. Better than nothing. Close by, nervous hooves prance about in the grass. At least she hasn’t gone far.

Shepard pushes himself up on an elbow. A sharp, burning pain explodes out from his collar bone as he discovers a new, immediate problem. Apparently, the crunch he’d heard was indeed not a good thing.

“Fuck,” he wheezes, which only wastes what little air he’s managed to draw in. He flops back down and clutches his collar bone. Blackness threatens the edge of his vision, but eventually retreats so long as he stays still.

This is not good.

He shouldn’t even be out here. _Wouldn’t_ be, if he hadn’t gone and done exactly what Kaidan had asked him not to do.

_(It’s ok to disappear for a little while, Shepard, if that’s what you need. Just try not to ride out a bad day on a horse that’s got less sense than you.)_

Should have stayed in the field down by the barn. Should have listened. He’s never been good at listening.

Ok. Triage. That’s what Kaidan would tell him. First thing’s first. Breathe. _Breathe_ , soldier.

He gulps down some air. Even once it starts coming a little better he’s still not getting enough, but at least he’s not about to pass out.

Right. First problem patched. Next on the list.

He’s interrupted by a velvet nose whuffling his forehead. He reaches up a hand to give Echo a pat, groping for the reins in the process. They’re bunched up by her ears, but by some kind of luck she hasn’t stepped through them. That’s another problem sorted – the horse isn’t in immediate danger of hanging herself.

“Please. Do not pull,” he begs her. In response, she lips at his ear. It’s about a close to an apology as he’s going to get.

Ok. Two problems patched. Now onto the next one. He doesn’t have a comm. While he likes to think that Kaidan has a sixth sense for Shepard’s idiocy, it’s a little unfair to assume he’ll divine what’s happened and come find him.

 _He’s done it before._ Almost a decade ago now. In the ruins of London.

_(I’m here. I’ve got you. I’m never letting go again.)_

Shepard wheezes. The late afternoon sun is taking on a golden sheen. No groves in sight. He’s beyond the orchard property lines, but probably only a few kilometers from the barn. A busted collar bone is going to make it feel more like a few lightyears.

_Two options, marine. Walk it or ride it._

Nope. Before he can tackle either he needs to get up off the ground. Something else that might be easier said than done.

He looks up at the horse, who’s taken to picking the grass while she waits for her human to figure things out. Her shoulder quivers as she shakes off a fly.

“I’m going to need your help,” he croaks. “And you better not be a shithead about it.”

She swishes her tail.

He tugs gently on the reins until her nose returns to his head. “Ok. I’m going to haul myself up on that fucking tree that just tried to kill me. Your job is to not do anything stupid until I’m on my feet. And preferably not after, either. Can you handle that Cadet?”

She blinks at him. He takes in another shallow breath and reaches out with his free hand until he finds the bark of the offending tree. It’s broad, but he can at least hook his arm around it enough to get some leverage. “Ok. Here goes nothing.”

With a sharp cry he hauls himself up into a sitting position. Tears spring to his eyes, the shortness of breath in his chest more acute. Echo dances nervously, but the reins stay slack in his other hand.

“Ok,” Shepard chokes out. “Ok. Halfway there. I can do this. Right?”

Echo snorts.

Shepard braces against the tree, takes as deep a breath as he can manage and staggers to his feet. The pain from his collar bone hits like a white-hot lance that brings back memories of the pressure injury on Sharjila. He cries out. Echo throws up her head and crabsteps to the left, but doesn’t bolt.

“Easy,” Shepard whispers hoarsely. “Easy.”

 _Not sure about you sometimes,_ Mrs. Alenko had said to him once. _You take an awful lot of chances for someone with nothing left to fight and everything to lose._

Echo settles again, and he manages to reel her back in without having to move. He wavers on his feet until she’s close enough for him to lean against. He wraps fingers in her long, black mane and rests his head against her neck, the red hairs of her coat soft against his cheek.

“There. No so bad, right? Which is good, because now comes the hard part.”

Now he has to figure out how to get back on. If it’s not bad enough to be out here with a high-strung mare, he’s got an English saddle on her. Better for jumping, which is how the afternoon had started. Not so great for hauling yourself up from the ground. The idea of contorting enough to even get a foot in the stirrup is enough to bring on a wave of nausea, and there’s nothing around to give him a boost. Echo isn’t exactly known for her willingness to stand still, either.

 _No wonder you like her so much,_ Kaidan had said. _She’s you, in a horse’s body._ As Mrs. Alenko put it, he had a preference for the headcases who went too fast.

He rubs a palm over her forehead, tracing white hairs that form the shape of a pinwheel.

“Ok. Remember that part where I said you need to not be a shithead? That’s still in play.”

He flips the reins up over her head, accidentally flicking her ear in the process. She jerks her head in irritation, hind end swinging in a half circle. When she comes to a stop Shepard eyes the stirrup. With a wince he tugs at the leather strap until the buckle slides into view, then lengthens it to the last hole to make the stirrup as long as possible. That’ll help a little, at least.

“Here goes nothing,” Shepard mutters. With a tight fist of mane in one hand and the cantle of his saddle in the other he sticks a foot in the stirrup. Tears come back to his eyes and his vision blackens once more. He yanks the foot out and lets it come to rest on the ground again. Echo swings her hindquarters once more, dragging him a half step with her. He swears, grips the mane even harder, resting his forehead against the saddle until his vision clears. What he wouldn’t give for a combat suit with a good mexo and a shuttle evac right about now.

“You can do this, N7,” he whispers. “You promised him you would always come home.”

_(You sure I’m not one of things you’re trying to get away from?)_

_(Kaidan…you’re what I always come back to.)_

He tries again. This time Echo spins in a full circle, eliciting a string of expletives that’s worth losing some of his hard-fought air. 

“Ok. Let’s try this.”

He manages to line her up beside the tree, so if she wants to swing her butt around there’s nowhere to go except into the tree or into him.

Maybe not his wisest idea. She’s proven more than willing to steamroll him before. “Remember our deal,” he says.

The third time he makes it into the saddle. Agony shoots out from the burning knot of his collar bone in waves that make it impossible to think about anything else. His balance wavers but he manages to keep it. For several minutes, staying on the horse and continuing to breathe is all he can manage.

Echo shifts uneasily beneath him. Full of kinetic energy just looking for a release valve.

 _(Just like you_. _)_

He can see Kaidan’s smile. Feel it.

He still can’t take a deep breath. The dizziness isn’t going away. _I’m in trouble here_.

“Ok kiddo,” he manages. “We have to get home.”

He nudges her with his heels, hoping she doesn’t throw one of her fits and take off. Echo has two modes. Bat out of hell and standing still. Neither are very helpful to him at the moment.

 _(It’s almost like she makes it really hard to predict what she’s going to do next_. _Sound like anyone else we know?)_

The mare takes a few quick steps forward, but settles quickly into an even gait. “There’s extra hay in this for you if you can autopilot,” Shepard grunts.

He bridges the reins in one hand and grabs hold of the long hairs of her mane. The other clutches his shoulder.

The sun’s dipped below the horizon by the time they find their way into the lane leading down to the barn, the sky deepening into a deeper, twilight blue. Apple trees run away to his left. The redcurrant bushes on his right. Echo breaks into a trot. The extra bounce brings fresh agony to his collar bone, but breathing is becoming more difficult some actual panic is setting in.

 _Kaidan, please be there_.

Funny how a little time and distance from the routine of danger makes it feel more acute when it manages to find him.

_(I can’t lose you again.)_

Maybe that’s where the fear comes from. The war is over, but the stakes are so much higher now.

Every light in the barn is on when he crests the last hill. A lone figure paces anxiously along the paddock fence.

“Kaidan,” Shepard murmurs.

Echo picks up a lope as she cruises down the hill. All Shepard can do is hold onto the reins and hope he stays upright, but at this point even if he falls it won’t matter. Kaidan is here.

“Shepard!”

Echo barrels up to the barn, Shepard helpless to stop her. Kaidan’s eyes widen and he ducks out of the way, but as she whips past he reaches out to snatch one of the reins. For someone who’d rather wrestle a varren than get on a horse, he’s surprisingly adept with them. Growing up as the son of Lora Alenko doesn’t leave him much choice.

Echo comes to a halt, Shepard already sliding out of the saddle. Kaidan manages to get an arm around him before he hits the ground.

“It’s ok, you’re ok, I’ve got you.” There’s alarm in his eyes, but his voice is steady, reassuring. He calls over his shoulder for his mother to come get Echo. She runs out of the barn, eyes wide when she sees Shepard’s sorry state.

“Goodness, what happened?”

“I’ve got it. Can you take care of the horse?”

She nods and takes the reins, leading Echo away into the barn. Kaidan shifts until Shepard’s more comfortably nestled into his lap, omnitool already out, medical scanner running. Shepard reaches his arm up and presses his fingers against Kaidan’s neck.

“I can’t breathe.”

A soft smile curves Kaidan’s lips. “That’s because you collapsed your lung. Somehow. What the hell did you do?”

“Unexpected encounter with a tree.”

Shepard’s hand slides to Kaidan’s chest, where he feels the rumble of his laugh under his palm. 

“Snapped your collar bone, too. How the hell did you get back on?”

“Only way to get to you.”

Kaidan pauses his scans long enough to trap Shepard’s hand under his. “I’d have found you, you know. We have the technology.”

Shepard closes his eyes, resting his cheek against Kaidan’s chest. “I know. Didn’t want to put you through that again.”

Kaidan’s arm tightens around him. He leans down and presses a kiss to Shepard’s forehead. “Let’s get you to a clinic. Ok? Need you to be able to breathe. I’d rather be the only one who takes your breath away.”

Shepard smiles. “I love you. You know that?”

Kaidan brushes a thumb across his cheek. “I do.”

~

Shepard’s not sure what’s worse. The pain of the broken collar bone, or the unrelenting, unassuageable itch of the bone knitter that will linger for days afterwards. Dr. Chakwas had always called it a temporary, minor discomfort. Not the first difference of opinion they’d had over the years.

It’s almost 0200 by the time they get back home. Kaidan’s mother has left a light on for them. Thankfully Kaidan had convinced her to go on to bed without waiting up. Kaidan loops Shepard’s arm around his shoulder and escorts him to their bedroom. It’s not strictly necessary – he can walk just fine – but he doesn’t argue with a little overprotectiveness.

Turns out Shepard doesn’t mind being taken care of, sometimes. Just took finding the right person to do it.

“Thank you, he murmurs when they both crawl in bed. The window’s still open on the opposite side of the room, a cool breeze wafting through backed by the pale gleam of the moon. His collar bone still aches, but it’s fading.

Kaidan pulls Shepard’s back into his chest and wraps his arms around him, surrounding him with warmth. No matter how much time passes, Shepard still marvels at how easily, how perfectly they fit together.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kaidan murmurs in his ear.

Shepard finds Kaidan’s fingers and laces them in his. “You mean how I’m getting slower in my old age?”

“No.” Shepard can feel Kaidan’s smile against his neck. “About why you jumped the fence and took off in the first place.”

Shepard exhales. “Was afraid you were going to ask about that.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” He kisses softly up and down Shepard’s neck, between his shoulder blades. Shepard sighs, soft sound of pleasure rumbling in his throat.

“No. It’s fine.”

Kaidan presses his nose against Shepard’s neck. “Something trigger you?”

“No. Not this time.”

Kaidan waits, ever so patient, trailing his lips against Shepard’s skin. Shepard inhales, a full, deep breath this time into lungs that work.

“Sometimes,” Shepard murmurs, tilting his head back to give Kaidan better access, “sometimes…it’s like I don’t know who I am unless the odds are against me. I have everything I want right here with you…but I guess I still can’t shake the feeling I have to keep fighting for it.”

“So you jumped the fence with a green horse and took off into the woods.”

Shepard chuckles, then itches at his collar bone. “You asked why I did it. Didn’t say it made sense.”

Kaidan strokes the side of Shepard’s face. “No. I think I get it.”

“Really? Can you explain it to me, then?”

“Mmm.” Kaidan moves his hand into Shepard’s hair. He still shaves his head more often than not – it’s just easier – but he knows Kaidan likes it when he lets it go too long.

“Your entire life has been about taking risks,” Kaidan says. “Taking on the impossible to save the galaxy. Fighting against all odds to hold on to the people you love. Being on a horse isn’t exactly taking down a cannibal, but it sure is an adrenaline hit.” He chuckles. “At least it is for me. You scared the hell out of me. Echo came flying down that hill I knew something was wrong.”

Shepard grabs Kaidan’s hand and draws it to his chest. “I know,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry.” He almost says he won’t do it again, but it would be a lie and they both know it. 

They lay silent for a while. Kaidan’s breathing deepens, the steady rise and fall of his chest still like a miracle even after nearly a decade of feeling it. They’d fought so hard for this, for _time_ , but he’d never stopped to figure out what to do once they got it.

Forging an identity that didn’t revolve around a pair of dog tags was harder than he’d thought it would be. That’s where the horses had come in. It started as physical therapy. But Kaidan’s right – the thrill of being on the back of something with only an illusion of control triggers an adrenaline rush that feels familiar, in some small way giving him back something he’d lost when the war ended.

_(You take an awful lot of chances for someone with nothing left to fight and everything to lose.)_

Shepard just never learned how to do it any other way. Probably never will. Some part of Kaidan will always have to worry, always have to wonder in the back of his mind if they really will grow old together.

“You deserve better than me, you know,” Shepard whispers into the dark.

Kaidan stirs, pulling him even closer, his voice a drowsy rumble against Shepard’s ear. “What does better have to do with anything? I want you. Whether I deserve you or not.”

When Shepard doesn’t answer Kaidan rolls him over until he’s lying on his back and runs light fingers across the ridge of his collar bone. “Every day you’ll have me makes me the luckiest man alive.”

Shepard cups his cheek, stroking it with a thumb.

“That reckless side is part of you,” Kaidan says with a soft smile. “All I can do is love you through it. Always have. Always will.”

Shepard’s eyes sting. He loops his arm around Kaidan’s neck and draws him in, kissing him deep, long, and utterly slow, in place of all the things he wants to say and might one day figure out how.

“Just promise you’ll keep coming back to me,” Kaidan murmurs against his mouth.

“Always,” Shepard whispers back, before losing himself in Kaidan’s arms. 

**Author's Note:**

> I started this on a whim, because I missed riding and wanted to put Shepard on a horse. Halfway through writing it, I lost my equine best friend of almost 30 years to colic. She was a spunky little red mare with a white spot on a her forehead in the shape of a pinwheel. While Echo is not my little mare, there is certainly a lot of my little mare in Echo. 
> 
> I have no idea if the "plot" makes sense. That wasn't the important part to me. Normally I would have worked harder to make sure all the pieces fit together even in something this short, but I didn't this time. I will for the next one. This one will just have to be more for "me" than usual. Call it my own equine therapy. Hope you enjoyed it anyway. :)


End file.
